The varieties and types of family conflict span a wide range of potential disputes we see in various settings of modern life. Of course, there are numerous reasons a married couple may regularly argue, but the reasons couples fight must be an entirely different (and lengthy) article.
Hence, this article focuses on the most common types of family conflict between family members who are not married. That means adult siblings, parents, and children and extended family conflict.
Why Do Families Fight More Than Friends?
Families often experience more conflict than friendships due to the inherent closeness and intensity of familial relationships. Unlike friends, families are connected through deep-seated bonds that encompass a mix of emotions, histories, and expectations. This can lead to higher stakes in interactions and less flexibility in relationships.
Additionally, the permanence of family-unlike friends who can be distanced if discord arises-means that family members are more frequently forced to confront and negotiate their differences, no matter how challenging. This proximity and the inability to easily sever ties contribute to the increased frequency of conflicts within families as opposed to those among friends.
What Causes Families to Fight? Causes & Examples
So why do families fight? Here are 7 of the most common areas of conflict that we have seen family members argue over.
1. Money
Money is a big one, of course. From fighting over inheritance to disagreeing about who will pay for aging parents or family events, family financial conflict is top of the list when it comes to types of family conflict.
If a family member feels they have been treated unfairly or not given their fair share, they can harbor resentment for years or maybe even a lifetime. That’s because money is often associated with meanings and emotions that run deeply for individuals.
They may feel they were cheated or disrespected or that their entire lifestyle was significantly impacted due to these financial conflicts. Such associations and the resulting painful emotions aren’t easily forgotten. That’s why a family fighting over money can be so devastating and why this type of matter must be dealt with and resolved as quickly as possible.
Examples of Family Conflict over Money
After the death of a family patriarch, two brothers found themselves at odds over the distribution of estate assets. Despite the existence of a will, disagreements over the valuation of property and accusations of undue influence led to a prolonged legal battle, straining family relationships and leading to a permanent rift between the siblings.
2. Family Business
Several families are engaged in a family-run business, often started by a single family couple and then passed down to the couple’s children, who must find ways to work together. Also, siblings tend to go into business together. And why not? It’s difficult to trust people these days, and we should be able to trust our siblings, right?
Unfortunately, there are all types of family conflict in family business. Partnerships are hard, regardless of whether the partners are related or not. But when partners are family members, business conflicts often spill over into extended family conflict. Non-invested siblings can get pulled into the ordeal, cousins can build animosity toward each other, and even elderly parents may be brought in to take sides with brother-business partners.
Examples of Family Conflict Over Businesses
In a family-owned bakery, the founder’s retirement brought to light deep-seated disagreements about succession. The youngest daughter, who had been managing the bakery for years, expected to take over. However, her older brother, who had invested financially but not operationally, contested her leadership, leading to legal disputes and strained family gatherings.
3. In-Law-Related Conflict
You know the scenario, and it’s a cliche at this point. Unfortunately for those experiencing in-law-related conflict, the stress is all too real and relentless. From mother-in-law conflicts with daughters-in-law to mother-in-law son-in-law conflict, personality clashes in families are rampant when taking on a new set of parents or a new adult as part of the family.
Sure, the couple is in love, but couples must remember they are not only marrying their spouse. They are marrying his or her family as well. So each partner had better be sure they know what they are marrying into because people don’t change very easily. That means the mothers-, fathers-, sons-, and daughters-in-law you know on the day of the marriage will likely be the ones that stick around for good.
If you’re hoping they will change, you’re probably in for a rude awakening. Typical arguments in a wife and mother-in-law conflict, for instance, might revolve around how to treat her husband, how to raise the children, how to spend money more responsibly, and so on. This is one of the many types of family conflict that can arise in extended family dynamics.
Examples of Family Conflict With In-Laws
A classic example occurred when Sarah and her mother-in-law disagreed over where to spend Christmas. The mother-in-law insisted that the holiday should always be spent at her house, following her family traditions. This led to significant tension, as Sarah wanted to start new traditions with her husband and their children, leading to annual disputes that dampened the holiday spirit.
4. Conflict Over Family Events
Events are stressful without any interpersonal problems thrown into the mix. Planning takes work, money, and time, and when trivial things don’t go as planned, it can cause a lot of anxiety. Perhaps the stress related to an event is one reason interpersonal issues often emerge, and certainly, interpersonal problems add to the stress.
Families often argue about topics related to major and even minor events on issues such as who is on (and who is left out of) the invite list, who is paying for what, which dates work for everyone, the location of the event, and who to use as vendors. Everyone involved construes their own needs as a top priority, which makes resolving family arguments about events pretty difficult. This is a common example of types of family conflict that can occur around family gatherings and celebrations.
Examples of Family Conflict Over Events
For their parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, siblings Tom and Linda clashed over the event’s budget and venue. Tom wanted a lavish celebration to honor the milestone, willing to invest a significant amount of money, while Linda advocated for a more modest gathering at a local community center to save costs. Their inability to agree on the scale and location of the event led to ongoing tension and resentment, complicating the planning process and dampening the overall spirit of the celebration.
5. Sibling Conflict over Care of Elderly Parent
As parents age, siblings are typically responsible for how to care for their elderly parents. Some people feel the best place for their parents will be in one of the children’s homes or in an assisted living facility, while others feel they should remain in the family house or in a retirement community.
There are no easy answers as to what should be done about caring for elderly parents, and so sibling conflict over the care of an elderly parent can foster stubbornness and deeply felt anger between siblings or any other parties responsible for an aging loved one. This scenario is one of the types of family conflict that can be particularly challenging due to the emotional and logistical complexities involved.
Examples of Family Conflict Over Elderly Parents
In the case of the Johnson siblings, conflict arose when it was time to decide whether their widowed mother should stay in her home or move into an assisted living facility. The eldest sibling felt it was safer for their mother to be in a facility where she could receive professional care, while the younger sibling believed it was best for her to stay in her familiar environment with family nearby.
6. Stepparent-Stepchild Conflict
Adopting a stepchild is a serious and emotional endeavor, but accepting a stepparent is probably even more serious and more difficult. Certainly, when minor children live in a household with a stepparent they do not like and/or who doesn’t much like them, the family unit is set up for strife and resentment.
Even grown children of a parent who remarries can find themselves at odds over their parent’s choice of a new partner. And when children are affected, especially small children, other members of the family may be drawn into the stepparent-stepchild conflict.
If the problems are obvious and worsening, grandparents, uncles, and aunts may throw in their two cents, which can create further conflict between them and the new step-parent or even the biological parent. Of all types of family conflicts, stepparent-stepchild conflict may be the most difficult to witness since it can directly involve young children.
Examples of Family Conflict Regarding Stepparents
A notable example involved a blended family where the stepmother wanted to establish new holiday traditions that did not include the children’s extended biological family. This decision led to tension and feelings of exclusion among the stepchildren, who cherished the long-standing family gatherings with their biological relatives. The conflict escalated to the point where it required family therapy to address the children’s feelings of alienation and to find a compromise that honored both new and old traditions.
7. Divorced Parents Conflict Over Care & Discipline of Children
Of course, there could be (and are) entirely separate articles on the topic of divorcee arguments. Putting aside financial matters for a moment, the proper care and discipline of shared children is a central point of contention for many divorcees.
One parent may have a more rigid style, for example, while the other parent is more lenient. Each parent then feels much of their effort is being dissolved as soon as the child leaves to go to the other parent’s home. This can be frustrating and sometimes enraging.
Co-parents that work together amicably are a blessing to see. Co-parents who are regularly arguing are often extremely stressed by the conflict with their former spouse. Sometimes it is better for the ex-partners simply not to communicate, or at least to communicate as little as possible and only then about very logistical matters related to the child (e.g., the schedule or a field trip). It’s also crucial for the child to have their own space at each parent’s home to feel secure and maintain a sense of stability, which can help mitigate some of the stress associated with moving between homes.
Examples of Family Conflict With Divorced Parents
In the case of the Smith family, issues emerged following the divorce of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, particularly regarding parenting styles. Mr. Smith held a strict approach, believing in structured schedules and firm rules for their two children. Conversely, Mrs. Smith embraced a more relaxed style, focusing on flexibility and open communication. This disparity led to friction as each parent felt that their efforts were undermined by the other’s contrasting approach.
How to Stop Families From Fighting
Resolving family conflicts effectively requires a combination of good communication, empathy, and sometimes professional intervention. The first step in preventing disputes is to establish clear and open communication where the family feels heard and valued. This involves active listening, where each person is allowed to express their feelings without interruption or judgment. It’s important for family members to also express appreciation for each other’s perspectives and find common ground where possible.
When conflicts escalate beyond simple resolutions or involve deep-seated issues, it might be beneficial to engage a professional mediator. Pollack Peacebuilding Systems (PPS) specializes in conflict resolution and can help families navigate the complexities of their disagreements. Our mediators are trained to be impartial and facilitate discussions that aim to achieve mutually acceptable resolutions. They can help families develop strategies to manage conflicts, improve relationship dynamics, and foster a more peaceful home environment.
Getting Help With All Types of Family Conflicts
There is no easy fix for dealing with any type of family conflict. Some of the time, one motivated family member can lead the charge in handling family conflict in order to resolve family arguments and help all parties move past the issues. Often, however, families cannot seem to resolve the conflict on their own.To effectively manage all types of family conflicts without resorting to physical abuse, it would be prudent to hire an expert in family conflict resolution strategies. For immediate help with a family dispute, contact Pollack Peacebuilding. We’re passionate about helping families find and maintain peace.
