Home > Blog > How to Stay Calm When Someone Is Yelling at You at Work
Yelling at work can come from a boss, a coworker, or a customer. Knowing how to stay calm when someone is yelling at you can help you respond with care and decide when a conversation needs to pause.
What to Do When Someone Is Yelling at You
When someone is yelling at you, slow your breathing, lower your own voice, and resist the urge to yell back or argue the details. Acknowledge the emotion you’re hearing with a phrase like “I can tell this is really frustrating.” If the yelling continues, pause the conversation and agree on a time to return to it.
Even strong teams can have moments when someone raises their voice. Sometimes yelling says more about the speaker’s own pressure in that moment than about you or your work. Deep breathing and remaining calm will not, by themselves, solve the problem, but yelling definitely will not either.
Learning how to handle being yelled at starts with that steadiness. It gives you room to notice what may sit beneath the surface, such as a missed deadline or a fear of blame.
Why Being Yelled At Feels So Overwhelming
People naturally feel threatened by loud noises. Cleveland Clinic’s overview of fight-or-flight and freeze responses notes that a stress response can follow a threat that’s real, imagined, or perceived. A person who is shouting can feel like that kind of threat, even when you’re physically safe.
Harvard Health Publishing explains how the stress response works, noting that a stressful incident can make the heart pound, breathing quicken, and muscles tense. Cleveland Clinic also describes a freeze response, in which a person becomes immobilized by a threat.
A University of Wisconsin-Madison Extension verbal de-escalation guide notes that people are driven to fight, flight, or freeze when confronted by a very angry person. Even if you know what you want to say in response, the loud and threatening tone of voice can make you yell in response, say things you don’t mean to get the other person to stop shouting, or it can make you “play possum” where you are unable to say anything at all in response.
Cleveland Clinic explains why people cry, noting that deep frustration, sudden anger, or extreme fear can trigger tears. It adds that emotional tears aren’t a sign of weakness. If you tend to tear up, slowing your breathing and giving yourself a moment before speaking may help the reaction ease.
Why People Yell and Why It Rarely Works
Yelling can sometimes reflect frustration, pressure, or an unmet need that builds past what someone can manage in the moment. The issue that prompted the outburst may not be the real issue at all. A late report might stand in for pressure from leadership or worry about job security.
Needs theory describes six core psychological needs that can drive conflict when they feel threatened. A need for security or autonomy may sit beneath the surface when someone shouts about a schedule change.
Yelling can become a habit, and habits can change with practice. When someone yells their message, other people may hear the yelling more than the message.
The UW-Madison guide, written for staff working with angry members of the public, advises against getting defensive. It notes that insults directed at you “are not about you.” That guidance fits one-off outbursts, while repeated mistreatment, especially from a supervisor, is a pattern to report to HR or another manager.
How to Stay Calm When Someone Is Yelling at You
Slow, deep breathing can help steady your body when a conversation heats up. A systematic review of breathing practices hosted by the National Library of Medicine found 54 of 72 studied interventions significantly reduced stress or anxiety. Those were structured practice programs, so a few slow breaths in a tense moment can help but aren’t guaranteed to calm you.
The same review found that fast-only breathing was less likely to help. In the moment, try a slower pace with an exhale that’s longer than your inhale. Other in-the-moment techniques can support steadier breathing.
- Speak at an average volume in a low, even tone, and don’t try to yell over the other person, as the UW-Madison guide advises.
- Avoid pointing or shaking a finger, another step the same guide recommends.
- Use silent self-talk, such as “I can listen first and respond after,” which can help you stay steady.
- Give yourself a beat before responding, since even a slow count to three can help you choose your words.
These techniques draw on self-regulation, a core part of emotional intelligence in de-escalation. Practicing them in calmer moments can make them easier to use under pressure.
What to Say When Someone Is Yelling at You
What you say first can help lower the temperature of the conversation. Start by acknowledging the emotion with a phrase like “I can hear how frustrated you are.” Then reflect back what you heard, such as “It sounds like the delay put you in a tough spot with the client.”
Questions can invite the other person to shift from venting to explaining, such as “What would be most helpful right now?” The UW-Madison guide suggests “Help me to understand what you are saying to me.” If part of their complaint is accurate, name that grain of truth with “You’re right that I didn’t send the update on Friday.”
These active listening skills can help the person feel heard. The UW-Madison guide cautions against asking an angry person to describe their feelings, so it may help to name what you notice instead.
If the volume stays high, you can set a respectful limit. You might say, “I want to work this out with you, and I can do that better if we lower our voices.” Calm, specific boundaries like this are among the core de-escalation skills.
Sometimes a helpful way to stop someone from yelling at you is to persuade them to pause their yelling temporarily. You can promise to talk about the problem at a later time when you are both thinking clearer. Name a specific time, such as “Let’s pick this up at 2:00 once we’ve both had a chance to regroup.”
Cleveland Clinic notes it typically takes 20 to 30 minutes for the body to calm down after a stress response. That’s one reason a pause with a set return time can help.
If you feel the urge to defend yourself, try returning to the issue at hand. The same UW-Madison guide that advises against defensiveness also suggests, “Empathize with feelings but not with the behavior.” In practice, that might sound like “I can see you’re upset, and I want to get the schedule right with you.”
How to Handle Being Yelled At by a Boss, Coworker, or Customer
When It’s Your Boss or a Coworker
A sizable share of US adults report abusive conduct at work, including verbal abuse. Zogby Analytics conducted the 2024 U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey, an online survey of US adults, for the Workplace Bullying Institute, an advocacy organization. In that survey, 32% said they had directly experienced repeated abusive conduct at work at some point, and another 14% had witnessed it.
When a boss or coworker yells, respond calmly without getting defensive or repeating your point. Acknowledge the concern, ask what they need, and offer to follow up. A short follow-up email can give you both a written summary of next steps.
If outbursts keep happening, you can talk with another manager or HR about what you’ve experienced. In the US, federal equal employment opportunity (EEO) law protects good-faith complaints about discrimination or harassment tied to a protected trait. The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s EEOC retaliation guidance defines protected activity as participating in an EEO process or reasonably opposing conduct EEO law prohibits.
General yelling with no link to a protected trait, such as race, sex, or disability, may fall under your company’s conduct policy instead. The EEOC’s retaliation brochure states that EEOC-enforced laws don’t prohibit retaliation for complaining about conduct that doesn’t involve employment discrimination, although other laws may apply.
This is general information, not legal advice, so check with HR or an employment attorney about your situation.
When It’s a Customer
Customer-facing roles bring a particular challenge, because you often can’t walk away from a call or a counter. OSHA’s workplace violence overview names customer service agents and workers who exchange money with the public among higher-risk roles.
You can still stay calm and acknowledge the customer’s frustration. If they need help you can’t provide, transferring the call or bringing in a colleague can be a useful next step.
Explain the handoff so the customer doesn’t feel dismissed. Make sure to tell the customer that you are trying to help and that the person you are transferring the call to can help with refunds and billing corrections. Call center teams can find more guidance on de-escalating angry callers.
When to Step Away and Get Support
Step away from the conversation if yelling turns into threats, if you feel unsafe, or if the outbursts keep recurring. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) describes workplace violence as a range that includes threats and verbal abuse. In the US, OSHA has no specific workplace violence standard, so context and severity matter.
If there is an immediate threat of violence or serious harm, follow your organization’s emergency procedures; de-escalation supports safety but never replaces safety protocols. If you decide to report, UMass Amherst Human Resources’ workplace bullying procedures ask complainants to document events, including dates, times, places, and witnesses. That’s one employer’s policy, so check your own organization’s policy.
For harassment based on a protected trait, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s EEOC harassment guidance advises following your employer’s complaint policy. The same guidance notes time limits of 180 or 300 days for filing a charge, depending on where you work.
The more strategies you have planned out before you get into a tense situation, the easier it is to resist the very human urge to fight or flee. You might find it helpful to debrief with a trusted colleague and choose the phrases and pauses you want ready next time.
Help Your Team Respond to Yelling With Confidence
De-escalation is not an inborn talent but rather a skill that anyone can learn. Pollack Peacebuilding Systems offers de-escalation training for teams that helps employees, managers, and leaders practice responding to the emotions and needs beneath tense conversations. Schedule a Free Consultation to talk through what would support your team.
